Digital Parenting

It is often expressed by the parents that handling a child in a digital era is very difficult. Education, entertainment, social connections and even shopping is dependent on digital devices. We cannot deny that the use of internet has indeed made our lives easy but at the same time excessive use of it is showing its side effects as well. Most of us found that our kids on smartphones, tabs, laptops, are using some screen time to engage themselves. You might feel that your child is just physically present with you but he is preoccupied with sharing, watching something, posting on social media and/or taking selfie. Eye contact while conversing with you, mindfulness while eating, and emotional involvement with the celebrations has now become  rare to find. It is a very scary thought for a parent to not have any control over what information is influencing their child's mind, what kind of people he is engaging with on social media, how productive are these long chats with friends and finally what is the child watching on internet. Many parents report that they feel helpless, anxious and even irritable about this. Let’s understand this dynamic concept in detail.

Who is a Digital Parent?

One who either uses one or multiple digital platforms with their child as a parent can be classified as a digital parent. It can be giving instructions via WhatsApp or monitoring their child by video call, or following their child on social media sites. These are all the forms that allow parents to connect, engage, monitor and finally shape their kids as parents. It is important for us to learn the new ways of parenting in digital era. We can appropriately call it as digital parenting.

Significance of Digital parenting.

At young age our kids are making many decisions about devices, games, apps they use and so on. Today there are many apps different purposes like for potty training and study skills videos, subject learning and study, cooking and day to day needs. As a result, we as parent and every child is being attracted to use it often.

Even before reaching to pre-schools kids are able to access the videos and songs. Schools these days use the electronic educational aids, today blackboard is missing and the projector has taken its place. Even homework and instructions are being circulated by using the internet. Most of the parents do not attend parent teacher meet or the cultural activities of their children as they prefer to wave hand by accessing the video call and cheer the kid by sitting in their AC offices. The kids are growing seeing the parents giving more importance to smartphones than them.

And just when you’ve mastered all that, the teen years come along with the onslaught of prominent social media and social networking sites and other anonymous apps. Problematic issues arise that range from sexting and cyberbullying to identifying theft and simply spending too much time online. 

Why is this dangerous:

A)   Smartphones & internet use killing productive Time: Child can learn & enjoy something productive instead of just scrolling the screen for hours. Children & adults don’t even realise that the productive working hours are being wasting time on daily basis. Time management has become so difficult because of excessive use of internet.

B)    Cyber Bullying: Social media has become a new platform for bullying. Comments on posts, making fun of their photos, criticism on social media handle is bothering the kids. Parents may not be aware of what the child is actually facing.

C)   Sexting & Watching Porn: Many teenagers, Adults start interacting with people by chatting and eventually they land up sexting each other. Sometimes these children through general research may accidentally click on some pop ups and advertises which may lead them to adult sites. Smartphones and internet availability has also increased viewership of porn videos by 134% in the last one year.

D)   Online Gambling & availability of illegal substances: Shopping online is very comfortable as it provides the door step service but few of us are getting hooked with the dealers who are selling illegal drugs & some are also experimenting with gambling which is extremely addictive and can cause bankruptcy along with psychological stress, job loss, family dysfunction etc.

What can a parent to do?

At Suasth One Step Clinic, we tried to distil many years of work in this constantly changing space to seven simple, but challenging steps to become a good digital parent.  It is definitely a journey, like parenting itself.  And there is no such thing as perfection.

Family Online Safety institute has suggested the 7 Step prog as below:  

1.  Talk with your kids 

It sounds simple, but the number one indicator of good digital parenting is keeping an open line of communication going with your kids.  Talk early and often.  It is not like the birds and the bee’s discussion.  It is more like an ongoing dialogue that will move and shift as your child works his/her way through several key developmental stages.  Stay calm.  Be open and direct.  But keep talking. 

2.  Educate yourself

This is probably the first technology in human history where the children are leading the adults.  It is very humbling to have a seven year old explain how to upload a video.  Or your teen rolling his eyes once again as you try to master Pandora.  But there is a wealth of tips, videos, explanations and guides out there.  If in doubt, simply type in your question or concern in your favourite search engine and there will be more than enough information available to you.

3.  Use parental controls

It goes without saying that there is content on the Internet you don’t want your kids stumbling upon.  All of the major operating systems, search engines, cell phone providers and gaming platforms provide either free or inexpensive parental controls to help you manage your kids online experience.  And, as your kids get older, move from controls to monitoring tools, particularly around time limits to discourage texting in class or vamping late at night. 

4.  Set ground rules & apply sanctions 

Many parents don’t know where to start in creating rules of the road for their children’s digital use.  But there are many online safety contracts to choose from as well as simple house rules such as NO DEVICES at dinner and handing in their phones at night.  Once you’ve set the rules, enforce them.  Let your kids know that they will lose online privileges if they break the rules and be clear and consistent about what those sanctions will be.

5.  Friend and follow, but don’t stalk

When your teen opens her social media account at 13, ensure you’re his/her first friend.  Follow your kids on their social handle and other social media and social networking platforms.  Don’t overdo it and leave daily comments, but don’t under do it either.  It’s a good idea to stay close as your teen makes his/ her first foray into the world of social media.  But don’t be tempted to spy on your kids, either.  Talking instead than stalking is what builds trust.  Give your teen some space to experiment, to take (healthy) risks and to build resiliency. 

6.  Explore, share and celebrate!

With the rules and tools in place, don’t forget to just go online with your kids.  Play games, watch videos, share photos and generally hang out with your children online.  Learn from them and have fun.   Share your favourite sites and download their apps.  See the world through their eyes.  And let them know your values and beliefs as you guide them on their way. 

7.  Be a good digital role model 

Be the change you want to see in your kids.  Resist the temptation to pull out your phone to check your email over dinner or send a quick text while driving.  Keep an eye on your own digital habits and compulsions and model good digital behaviour and balance.  Your kids will pay far more attention to what you do, than to what you say – both online and offline.  

मॉडर्न कोण ?

अलीकडेच अनेक नव्या रुग्णमित्रांशी चर्चा करताना मला अस वाटल की आपण सगळ्यांनी नव्यानी मॉडर्न म्हणजे काय याचा थोड़ थांबून नव्याने 

विचार करायला हवा. असा विचार येण्यामागिल एक घटना खलीलप्रमाणे:

 एका मध्यमवर्गीय कुटुंबातील सदस्य आपल्याच जवळच्या एका नातेवाईक कुटुंबास जेवायला बोलवतात। त्या कुंटुबात एक १५ वर्षाचा मुलगा आणि दोन १२ वर्षाच्या मुली आहेत . दोन्ही पुरुष जेवणापूर्वी ड्रिंक्स (दारू हा मागसलेला शब्द नको) पिण्याचा बेत आखतात। आपण आपल्या घरातील महिलांना सामान वागणूक देतो हे एकमेकांना दाखवण्यासाठी खास महिलांसाठी अशी 'रेड वाइन' मागवाली जाते। आता प्रश्न राहिला मुलांचा ? त्यांनी काय म्हणून पार्टीला मुकाव? मग त्यांना काहीतरी सॉफ्ट ड्रिंक मगावल गेल.

 वयात आलेला मुलगा मित्रासारखा वगवावा म्हणुन त्या बापान प्रमाणिकपणे मुलाला सांगितल की 'आज बुवा आमची पार्टी आहे'. मुलगा गालातल्या गालत हसला। बापला खुष पाहून पोरग आईकडे वळल. आई जीन्स आणि कुर्ता अशा वेशात मेकअप करता करता आरश्यात बुडून गेलेली। पोरानी आईला विचारल,'आई नवीन म्यूजिक ट्रैक आहे माझ्याकडे घेवू का ?' आई बोलली,            'हु हु पण पेनड्राईव विसरायच नाही बर?'

जय्यद आणि चोख तयारी निशी दोन्ही कुटुंबीय एकत्र येतात। दोघे मॉडर्न आई बाप सह कुटुंब ड्रिंक्स घेवू लागतात। पोर आपला दिवस कधी  येईल? या दिवास्वप्नात एकमेकांशी चर्चा करतात। त्यांना ऐकिवत असलेली दारुची जादू एकमेकांशी शेयर करू लागतात। इतक्यात १५ वर्षाच्या मुलाला त्याचा बाप म्हणतो,        'काय रे चव बघतो का? माझ्याबरोबरच बसून पी पाहिला पेग..... हअ हा हा ' 

मुलाच नशीब उजाडल (कोल्हापुरी भाषेत सांगायच तर नशीब फळफळल ) आणि आपले मॉम- डैड मॉडर्न असल्याचा त्याला आत्यंतिक आनंद झाला।  

विचार करायला लावणारे प्रश्न :
१. खरच का मॉडर्न होण आरोग्यदाई सवई पेक्षा अधिक महत्वाच आहे?
२.   आपण आपल्या मुलांना मद्यपान आणि सोसियल होण हे अविभाज्य आहे अस का बिंबवणार आहोत?
३. कुठल्यातरी आमुक वयात मद्यपान सुरु होण खरच अनिवार्य आहे का?

What is a role of therapy in addiction treatment ?

The most difficult part in addiction treatment is to make the patients open & ready for therapeutic activities.

when patients enter into the de-addiction & rehabilitation centre for long-term treatment most of them reported the hopelessness, self-pity, anger at self and others, blaming etc.
The only way to help the patients is to make them participate in various therapeutic activities.  Some of the famous therapeutic activities are as below.

1. Motivational counselling: As a therapist that at one point of time an addict also feels that he has to stop using the substance, but fear of withdrawals, lack of information about treatment, unable to ask help stops him from taking action. Motivational counselling can help people to make the decision about the treatment.  It brings hope for recovery. Motivational counselling puts the light on the present painful conditions of an addict and makes him aware that there is a way out.

2. Developing Insight: once the patient got motivated then the next challenge is adherence to treatment.  The craving, confusion, peer pressure rules the addict, Most of them quit the treatment after detoxification. focused individual assignments & counselling sessions often help people to get the insight about their severity of addiction & the impact of it.

3. Expressive therapy: An addict needs a supportive empathetic atmosphere to express his feeling. He needs assistance to express his opinions, experiences, perceptions. Expressive therapy provides an opportunity to express the deep-rooted feelings either in a direct way or in an indirect way. It consists psychodrama, poster making, games,  group discussion, art and music therapy.

4. Challenging the old beliefs & thoughts: This is the core part of therapy. The patient learns to challenge his old beliefs. Introspection of thoughts helps him to learn new coping skills to lead the productive life. changing the thoughts and beliefs improves the healthy decision-making.

5. Family & Marital Counselling: After the discharge, the family becomes a supportive network. If family counselling aims to deal with old perceptions, hurts & negative thoughts, helps family members to be a part of support system. Addict also needs to realise how the family is suffering because of his addiction. at the end, the role of family members in recovery, learning about the disease of addiction, communication styles in the family also needs to be addressed.

Sheetal

Self deception part 1: Denial

When it comes to addiction treatment; therapists, clients, and families they defiantly discuss denial as an important aspect. There is a lot of literature available on Denial.

Here we will try and understand denial as a self-deception tenancy. My post on deadly D's has an explanation on self-deception. In short, self-deception is something which prohibits the recognition and acceptance of the disease and the negative consequences. Denial is the first part of self-deception which always help the addict to be in illusion that nothing to worry..... I can stop using anytime....... or I can control my using...... I know there is nothing wrong if I drink or use....etc.

Eventually, addicts come across the negative consequences but their denial never allows them to see the reality. E.g. few addicts justify drinking saying that limited amount of drinking is good for the heart, good for xyz....etc but they fail to understand that when liver report clearly indicates the dysfunction due to the excessive, harmful use of a substance. They still stick to the selective information which supports the using. 

DENIAL IS REFUSING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE HARMFUL CONSEQUENCES OF ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE.

What I observed during my practice so far is we can make few categories according to the responses of various addicts which shows the patterns of denial.

1. Denial by defining the problem
2. Denial by blaming or by creating problems with external factors.
3. Denial by minimization.

Let me explain all three points elaborately.

1. DENIAL by defining the problem: addicts feel that if they can give strong reason to use no one will blame them. The other type is kept on proving people that they are functional and able to achieve something.

Like this kind of people, they say that 'look! I have a good job I am earning then how can I be an alcoholic or addict?'
My doctor only prescribed me those pills.... so I am using them.... how can I be an addict then.

But the reality is they fail to see the whole picture. They overlook the other evidence such as the withdrawals, preoccupation, cravings, family conflicts due to use, accidents under influence, fail to cut down or stop using.

2. DENIAL by Blaming or by creating problems with external factors: Most of the addicts throw the blame on external factors. they mention rather justifies that how other people and their behavior is only causing the problem. This kind of addicts may mention job pressures as the reason for alcohol/drug use. they may mention that they drink because of critical wife, physical pain, someone is trying to corner etc. 

They look at the substance as a remedial part but they fail to understand that abusing alcohol or substance is putting them again into a problem rather aggravating the problem instead of solving them. Eventually, they create new problems for them. E.g; if one keep on blaming that wife is a reason for drinking; in turn, he makes his relationship more stressful with a wife. He never puts any efforts to talk about how is he getting affected by his wife's behavior or never makes an effort to openly talk to her. after some period he faces separation. then he again starts drinking more saying that his wife left him. 

3. DENIAL by minimizing: To avoid the confrontation many times addicts stops defending themselves but in such situations, they opt for minimizing the amount they use and also minimizing the harmful consequences they face so far. 

this kind of people they say ...... yes! I drink.... BUTTTT no as much as you think... Just 2 pegs... 

No...believe me! my accidents were not under influence. I do drink but its not as bad as XYZ. 

Eventually, addicts get confronted with harmful consequences. that point they are unable to deny the use &/or negative consequences of addiction. However, the story doesn't end here. 

Unknowingly, once denial stops working they go to the next level of self-deception. 

To know more read my next article.... 

SHEETAL BIDKAR

Slogans of Strength

I feel that people need to search some or the other tool for self-motivation during the recovery. In early abstinence people face a lot of challenges, the risk of losing the zeal of hopeful life is high in this period. I found old timers in AA always use the slogans. here I am sharing the few which I use to motivate my clients who want to walk the path of recovery. I must honestly confess at these slogans have given me a positive energy during the difficult times of my life. 

Note: All the slogans are from the AA literature. I use till and found them very useful so I am sharing them with all of you.

1. easy does it
2. first things first
3. live and let live
4. think......think.......think
5. one day at a time
6. let go and let God
7.  kiss---keep it simple stupid
8. this too shall pass
9. "Be nice to sponsees they might be your sponsor some day"
10. expect miracles
11.  stick with the winners
12. sobriety is a journey ..........not a destination
13.  poor me.....poor me............pour me another drink
14.  live in the NOW
15.  turn it over
16. aa=altered attitudes
17. be part of the solution, not the problem
18.  no pain.........no gain
19. go for it
20. do it sober
21.  let it begin with me
22.  just for today
23. pass it on
24. don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens
25.  practice an attitude of gratitude
26.  god is never late
27.   90 meetings in 90 days.........90/90
28. you are not alone
29. use the 24-hour plan
30. stay sober for yourself
31. First drink does the damage
32. when all else fails, follow directions
33. change is a process, not an event
34.  call your sponsor before, not after, you take the first drink
35.  sick and tired of being sick and tired
36.  it's the first drink that gets you drunk
37. what if........
38.  help is only a phone call away
39. around AA or in AA?
40.   K.C.B. --- keep coming back
41. courage to change
42. easy does it, but do it
43. if I think, I won't drink. if I drink, I can't think
44. get it ---give it---grow in it
45.   principles before personalities
46. to be forgiven we must forgive 

Sheetal 

काय झाले?

काय झाले?

मागच्या एका वर्षभरात १७ ते २५ वयोगटातले अनेक व्यसनी रुग्णांशी संपर्क आला. त्यासर्वांमधे एक समाइक असा बेफिकीरपणा दिसला, त्यांनी त्याचे आयुष्यातील गंभीर अडचणी किती क्षुद्र असल्यासारख्या मांडल्या आहेत; यावरूनच त्यांचा जीवनकडे पाहण्याचा दृष्टिकोन दिसून येतो। हे सगळे खरच मनाला सुन्न करणार आहे.


मी जरा फिरलो कॉलेजच्या बाहेर
तर कल्ला करायला काय  झाले ?
मी जरा गेलो पार्टीला तिकडे
तर बिघडला म्हणायला काय झाले ?


अरे बाबा! सगळेच जातात गोव्याला प्यायला
तुम्हाला लगेच चिडायला के झाले ?
राहिला बैक लॉक इंजीनियरिंगला
तर वाया गेलो म्हणायला काय  झाले?


जरा कुठे मनेवर टट्टो काढला
तर गंजेड़ी म्हणायला काय झाले?
बसलो जरा मैत्रिणीच्या कड़े  डिनरला
तर  बायको म्हणायला काय  झाले?

बुडले पाच-एक हजार पैज लावून
तर कर्जबाजारी म्हणायला काय झाले?
मागितले मित्राला लाखभर रुपये
तर कर्ज केले म्हणायला के झाल?

हो हो येतोच कंटाळा घरी राहायचा
दोन दिवस न सांगता गेलो फिरायला
तर शेफारला म्हणायला काय झाल?

अहो होतोय ना त्रास माझ्यामुळे
मग सोडून द्या मला एकट
नाक कापल म्हणून हिनवायला  काय  झाल?

जमत नाही ना माझ तुमच्याशी???(अगदी उद्धट स्वरात )
मग करू वाटा वेगवेगळ्या
तुझ्या काळजीन जीव चालला म्हणायला काय झाल?

आयुष्य खुप सोप्प आहे
फायद्याच्या गणितच फळ आहे.
मर्जीच राजकारण खेळातच जवानी जगण आहे
नाहीतर.... नको नकोस ओझ आहे
नाहीतर.... नको नकोस ओझ आहे

वेदना

विवाह समुपदेशन हा व्यसनमुक्ती उपचाराचा एक अत्यंत महत्वाचा भाग आहे. अशाच एक सत्रात एका रुग्णमित्राच्या भावना कशा बदलत गेल्या त्याची ही कथा. आधी तो आला आणि तिचा अंदाज घेण्याचा प्रयत्न केला, मग थोड़ा राग आणि तिरस्कार दाखवला आणि सरतेशेवटी तो पुरता अंतर्मुख झाला।

वेदना

ती डोळ्यात आशांची आसवे घेवून बसली होती 

न रहवून माझ्या चांगुल पणाची कड घेतच होती 

भला होतो म्हणे मी लग्नाच्या वेळी 

मोडित काढला संसार म्हणे मी तिचा याच दारूपाई। …… 

खरच। ……… का हे खर आहे?

आजार मला आणि वेदना तिला आहे 

मला वाटायच। …  मीच ना पितो?

मग त्रास तिला का बर होतो ?

आज ती खर बोलली 

तिची वेदना डोळ्यातून वाहीली 

कितीदातरी मी  तिला मारल

संसार वाचवायचा म्हणुन 

हरबार तिन कटु बाजूला सारल 

मला कळलच नाही तिन कित्येकदा असच सावरल 

माझ्या चुकांचे चटके सहन करून 

माझी काळजी कारण कस तिन पेलल?

माझी काळजी कारण कस तिन पेलल?

शीतल बिड़कर